365
October 22, 2010

That’s one.

 

 

 

 

 

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9 Months Later
July 22, 2010

Today marks 9 months sober for me.

In an odd turn of events it seems to me that while things have gotten easier by degrees, shit is no less complicated, nor, have things gotten all that pleasant.

Not sure anyone ever said things would get pleasant, come to think of it. It is however, an assumption that I did make.

In the shortest possible recap, in the last 9 months, my longest standing relationships have either ended or been altered so thoroughly they certainly seem to have ended. The oddest part of this occurrence, in at least one instance I am okay with that. In the other, not so much. Turns out though, I don’t get a vote. It is what it is and I’m going to go ahead and assume this like everything else is a part of the master plan. Just the same, I am struck by the knowledge that while some of the terrain in my life looks familiar, I recognize the faces and I know the language…I’ve never been here before.

Absolutely EVERYTHING has changed but only by degrees.

Spring Has Sprung
April 22, 2010

Last Wednesday I turned 35. Today, I have 6 months. Last night was my first night in my new place. This morning, whether I want to or not, everything I do is getting done different.

Why I am Not in Charge: Reason 826
February 18, 2010

Earlier this month, in my post 7th Inning Stretch, I wrote of my fears relative to moving forward with my steps. Specifically, I wrote:

In a very real sense (for me) the idea with respect to both steps of letting go of the self that I know (FUCKED UP as ’she’ might be!) is terrifying. Drinking in my family is a tie that binds, period. What happens when you cut that loose? Actually, I’m not interested in what happens to you. What happens to me? What happens when I’m cut loose across the board? What is left of my relationships? What is left of me?

Today, I sat reading this passage from the 12 & 12:

But suppose that instinct still cries out, as it certainly will…’If I keep turning my life and my will over to the care of Something or Somebody else, what will become of me? I’ll look like the hole in the doughnut.’ (36)

The paragraph above goes onto explain how this “certain instinct” is in fact the result of ‘logic’ and ‘reason’ “seeking to bolster egotism, and so frustrate spiritual growth.”  

It would seem that I am nowhere near the first to encounter this particular dilemma. Awesome. Step 4 it is.

The Happy & The Crappy: XI
February 11, 2010

Okay, okay, okay. February has SUCKED ASS thus far. So much drama so few days. But I have a plan! (AHAHAHAHAHAHA.) Wait, maybe not a plan so much as some tools. I am a tool, I use tools it’s all really great.  To that end the next few posts might seem a bit odd. There is nothing to be done for it, I am a bit odd. I may or may not get to the darker stuff, some of it I suppose. What I will get to, if it kills me, and it might is some of the good stuff. It is after all February-Hallmark and Love, blah, blah, blah. So I’m thinking some posts about things I love, maybe even 14 of them (Probably, closer to 4.) ! And this post counts…

The simplest all encompassing slogan/mantra that I have heard goes like this:

Trust God. Clean House. Help Others. (Love it.

Post Script
February 6, 2010

AHAHAHAHAHA. I posted my 7th Inning blog then went to my Big Book meeting. The meeting should probably have been called so, you’re on step three…

Outstanding.

7th Inning Stretch
February 6, 2010

*Took me a moment to find the light switch in here.*

It is month two in the new year and I can honestly say I have not accomplished much. Though, I’ve no idea what it is I might have accomplished had I, in fact, done something. No matter. Here is a break down on where things stand…

I have now spent weeks steadfastly avoiding myself. Yes, this is very much in the realm of possibility I have managed it with greater or lesser success for much of my life. One would think that ‘knowing what I know now’ I would not prolong the inevitable but rather would jump in with both feet, run headlong into the next phase (read:step) of recovery. One, would be dead wrong. I’m sitting firmly on my ass on the 3rd and the 7th steps respectively. Turns out, pretty much the same GD step. I throw the GD in simply for ironic amusement and well for spite.

Step:3 (in AA)  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

 

Straight forward enough, right? I’ve done this step before. Hell, I’ve done it long enough to know it NEVER ends. I turn my stinking will over every day if not 327 times a day. What is more, I have a God of my own understanding. I did NOT when I walked into the rooms of program a year ago but that could not be further from the truth today. I know what having a God in my life feels like. I know what it does for me and yet…here I sit.

Step: 7 (Al-Anon) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

 

Yep, still sitting. It is not lost on me that should I move forward on either of these steps I shall find myself squarely on Steps 4 & 8, neither of which is appealing. I KNOW how ‘awkward’ 4 is. I can guess, how much 8 sucks. I get it. That’s not the only hold up though. In a very real sense (for me) the idea with respect to both steps of letting go of the self that I know (FUCKED UP as ‘she’ might be!) is terrifying. Drinking in my family is a tie that binds, period. What happens when you cut that loose? Actually, I’m not interested in what happens to you. What happens to me? What happens when I’m cut loose across the board? What is left of my relationships? What is left of me?

There is a line in the big book that sums up how I am currently seeing things (I will include the preceeding line for context): He stood in the Presence of Infinite Power and Love.  He had stepped from bridge to shore. (56)

I have been to the shore. Today, I’m sitting on the bridge.

*I’m 104.

The Happy & The Crappy: X
January 2, 2010

X

 

01.01.10 marks my 1st Al-Anon birthday!!!!! (*I’m also @ 70 days today.*)

Got the years first new slogan: ‘Just allow time to take time.’

 Missed the Friday night meeting but made the meeting after the meeting. To be exact,  they ‘saved me a seat’ at dinner, busted my proverbial balls upon arrival, then we ate, swapped dramas, jokes and information. Thus, the new year has begun, with friends, health, happiness and hope.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Resoled, Sold & Souled
December 12, 2009

ReSoled.

Running of late has been centered around training for the Surf City Marathon. I have, however, hit a stumbling block of sorts in that my shoes at or after 10 miles are killing me. I knew this relative to the half-marathon (the pain that is) but I just assumed that it was the greater distance that was tweaking me and my body would right itself in time. Wrong.

The pain in my knee as well as the pain in my hip did not subside. I thought I would be getting new shoes. What I got instead was resoled. While I am a bit put off at having to pay an extra $60 for soles in a pair of shoes that cost $100+ it beat the hell out of the alternative, a new $100+ pair of shoes. With more than a little concern in the ‘what if it doesn’t solve the problem’ vein, I bought the soles, I set the soles and the pain in the knees is GONE. YAY! The pain in my hip that appears to be a bona fide injury. More on that as information becomes available.

Suffices to say while working this drama out my training schedule has taken a hit and I am concerned. 13 miles I know I’ve got, 26 not so sure.  Speaking of…

ReSold.

Early last month my job assignment at work got switched around, again. The net result has been that I’ve been working locally rather than across country. I’ve never been particularly interested in this assignment and was quite frankly resentful of having gotten it. Turns out, there is a reason I am not in charge. More than one undoubtedly! I mentioned in an earlier post, a need to work a second program and getting a handle on that has necessitated my being local.

ReSouled.

Up to this point in the last year I have worked my Al-Anon program as my primary program. To that end I have recently completed my 4th and 5th steps. I have no year one or year-end epiphany to share. It’s been a long year. I have learned a lot. There is a lot more to learn and a lot more work to do.  If there is anything I can say unequivocally now, it is that there is nowhere else I would rather be.

In terms of sobriety? The sum total is this. I have been ‘planting my ass’ in a seat since the spring. I gave up the decision to get or not get sober to God in July. I got my answer in early October. I currently have 50 days.

October 2009
October 19, 2009

“now an epiphany in one dark night,

and I’m sorry, so sorry,  that it took so long”
                                                                                                      

 

I have known since July that October 2009 was going to be ‘a problem.’  How, you have not asked? I started signing all dates as October dates. Every single time. To the degree that I was getting calls from work about deposit slips and the like all being ‘pre-dated’ since they were October dates. Ridiculous. There was a trainee at work with me at the end of July and I handed him all of the paperwork and ‘suggested’ he check every single date. He did. They were wrong. So I tell him the story that for 2-3 weeks at that point I had been dating EVERYTHING for October. I follow up my share with something to the effect of , “Clearly, I will be hit by a bus in October.” He responds with, “That’s not what it means at all! It means in October great things are coming!!!” enthusiasm not added, he appeared to believe that shit. I, in turn, stared at him as if he were brain damaged. That said, it was a curious idea and as October has approached I have been increasingly curious as to what the hell would happen. The month is only half over but so far…

October 4:

 

I ran my first half marathon on October 4.  It still doesn’t feel like an accomplishment but I know that it was. It also got its own post so I will not go into detail here.

 

October 7:

 

PJ  and old friends. I saw PJ for the ‘first time.’ First time being used a bit loosely here. Apparently, PJ and I were at Lollapalooza in 1992. I have no memory of this. A ticket stub. Witnesses. No memory.  Also, I went with friend to see PJ in Golden Gate park years ago but Eddie walked off stage moments into the set. Apparently, he was ill but nothing was said at the time. As a direct result of that experience I never tried to see PJ again. Until now.

PJ is to my BFF what Guns (now Sluff, aka Slash and Duff) was to me. They are her people and an part of her world view. I dig PJ. I dig her more. Ergo I dig them more than most other musics. Make sense? Anyway. We went together to the show on the 7th. It was incredible.

On our way out of the show we were shoulder tapped by some dude. Or so I thought, as I stood there staring blankly. ‘Dude’ is one of our good friends from high school. I guy we spent nearly every day with for YEARS. Had not seen him in 16 or so years… Very strange, very cool. He also, gave me a heads up on finding a couple of other friends from ‘back in the day.’ One of whom I sought out the next morning.

For the purposes of clarity if the PJ friend is Dude than the ‘follow up’ friend is F. Swapped re-introduction messages with F on the 8th and 9th. Very strange, very cool.

 

October 9:

 

Went to a meeting at my first convention EVER. The convention being SCAAC. Awkward. Really really uncomfortable. I had when I registered though signed up for a 5k/10k fun run on the 10th it seemed like ‘fun’ at the time.  This is relevant because the first topic of the first meeting that I went to was “Have Fun.” Had I known this was the topic prior to walking in the room I would NOT have gone in. I HATE this topic. Have fun, play-any variation of either of those two makes me ill. Oh! AND they don’t allow you to NOT share. Right, you have to get up and share and everyone in the room fucking stares at you until you do. RIDICULOUS.

So I shared. I HATE this fucking topic. More important than sharing that I hate the topic I explained why. I have no idea what is ‘fun.’ I have no idea how to ‘play.’ I like to read. I like live music or music in any form for that matter. I have started to run. That’s it. My list of fun is rather short. Largely because I have no idea who I am.

 

October 10:

 Came in 3rd on my ‘fun run!’ That is how I spent my morning and then I spent my afternoon and evening with friends. Friends that I grew up with and had not seen in more than 10 years. We played Guitar Hero, Wii and sang karaoke until after midnight. In case you missed that, friends that I ‘played with’ when I was young walked back into my life after more than a decade and we PLAYED all over again. Who knew?

On my way out the door a friend of mine who is sober asked me what my deal is and so I answered. I said, “I’m a double winner and I’m in program.” In case you missed that, I admitted to another human being besides my sponsor that I have more than one disease.

 

October 11:

 This day began near 1am when I just opened my mouth and spewed truths about my life which, a.) should not be uttered at 1am; and, b.) are no good as parting shots on your way out the door. FTW. Whatever. I went home and I went to bed. I woke in time to hit the Sunday morning beach meeting. Not only is this my home group but it is the first meeting I ever walked into. There is no other place I could have gone to get perspective on what had happened the night before. Topic? Trust. Trust yourself. Trust others.

Went back to my friends to hang and watch football after the meeting. My friend met me at the door. Literally. Waiting just outside. We sat and (mutually) spewed our stories. Still have not gotten my head around the relief that came with talking to someone who I actually know, someone who actually knows me and gets it. ALL of it.

 

October 12:

 

My sponsor, totally unfazed by everything I tell her.

 

October 14:

 

Spent most of the morning and much of the early afternoon doing everything I could think of other than my 4th step. I have to do this step. I do. I just can’t get my brain to go there.  Managed to avoid it in the evening too! Went over to my friends’ home to log some baby time! Spent my afternoon and evening playing with their little girl. Got to take part in bath time and bed time.  I provided the story time lap for the evening!!! Is there anything more calming then a baby snuggling with you?

 

Baby time was so great I actually went to my favorite meeting late. I considered not going because I detest walking in…forget being late.  I have no idea why but the walking in part of meetings still kills me. EVERY TIME. Alas, favorite meeting and because my schedule sucks I never know if I can attend. I went late. It’s an AA meeting. A sat next to a friend and at the end he said, “when are you going to share?” I said, “RIGHT after I start identifying.” He smirked. In all the months that I have gone to open AA meetings NO ONE has ever asked me when I was going to share. Of course, in all those months I had never admitted to anyone other than my sponsor that there was anything to share. Strange days, indeed.

15 minutes after the meeting ended my phone rang. I was driving and answered anyway. Not my habit. My Mom was calling to tell me that my Uncle had died. This would be my second Uncle in less than a year. Both of my Dad’s older brothers. One was functional.  One was not. It was in part my oldest Uncle’s death that served as a catalyst for my coming into program at all. It occurred to me, last December, that this is how it is going to end…for my father.  It seemed imperative that I come to terms with that reality and figure out how to live through it. So I went to Al-Anon.

 

This October it occurs to me that this is how it could end. I have to work a second program.

 

 

This Blog was Soundtracked to:

Visqueen, “So Long”