October 2009

“now an epiphany in one dark night,

and I’m sorry, so sorry,  that it took so long”


I have known since July that October 2009 was going to be ‘a problem.’  How, you have not asked? I started signing all dates as October dates. Every single time. To the degree that I was getting calls from work about deposit slips and the like all being ‘pre-dated’ since they were October dates. Ridiculous. There was a trainee at work with me at the end of July and I handed him all of the paperwork and ‘suggested’ he check every single date. He did. They were wrong. So I tell him the story that for 2-3 weeks at that point I had been dating EVERYTHING for October. I follow up my share with something to the effect of , “Clearly, I will be hit by a bus in October.” He responds with, “That’s not what it means at all! It means in October great things are coming!!!” enthusiasm not added, he appeared to believe that shit. I, in turn, stared at him as if he were brain damaged. That said, it was a curious idea and as October has approached I have been increasingly curious as to what the hell would happen. The month is only half over but so far…

October 4:


I ran my first half marathon on October 4.  It still doesn’t feel like an accomplishment but I know that it was. It also got its own post so I will not go into detail here.


October 7:


PJ  and old friends. I saw PJ for the ‘first time.’ First time being used a bit loosely here. Apparently, PJ and I were at Lollapalooza in 1992. I have no memory of this. A ticket stub. Witnesses. No memory.  Also, I went with friend to see PJ in Golden Gate park years ago but Eddie walked off stage moments into the set. Apparently, he was ill but nothing was said at the time. As a direct result of that experience I never tried to see PJ again. Until now.

PJ is to my BFF what Guns (now Sluff, aka Slash and Duff) was to me. They are her people and an part of her world view. I dig PJ. I dig her more. Ergo I dig them more than most other musics. Make sense? Anyway. We went together to the show on the 7th. It was incredible.

On our way out of the show we were shoulder tapped by some dude. Or so I thought, as I stood there staring blankly. ‘Dude’ is one of our good friends from high school. I guy we spent nearly every day with for YEARS. Had not seen him in 16 or so years… Very strange, very cool. He also, gave me a heads up on finding a couple of other friends from ‘back in the day.’ One of whom I sought out the next morning.

For the purposes of clarity if the PJ friend is Dude than the ‘follow up’ friend is F. Swapped re-introduction messages with F on the 8th and 9th. Very strange, very cool.


October 9:


Went to a meeting at my first convention EVER. The convention being SCAAC. Awkward. Really really uncomfortable. I had when I registered though signed up for a 5k/10k fun run on the 10th it seemed like ‘fun’ at the time.  This is relevant because the first topic of the first meeting that I went to was “Have Fun.” Had I known this was the topic prior to walking in the room I would NOT have gone in. I HATE this topic. Have fun, play-any variation of either of those two makes me ill. Oh! AND they don’t allow you to NOT share. Right, you have to get up and share and everyone in the room fucking stares at you until you do. RIDICULOUS.

So I shared. I HATE this fucking topic. More important than sharing that I hate the topic I explained why. I have no idea what is ‘fun.’ I have no idea how to ‘play.’ I like to read. I like live music or music in any form for that matter. I have started to run. That’s it. My list of fun is rather short. Largely because I have no idea who I am.


October 10:

 Came in 3rd on my ‘fun run!’ That is how I spent my morning and then I spent my afternoon and evening with friends. Friends that I grew up with and had not seen in more than 10 years. We played Guitar Hero, Wii and sang karaoke until after midnight. In case you missed that, friends that I ‘played with’ when I was young walked back into my life after more than a decade and we PLAYED all over again. Who knew?

On my way out the door a friend of mine who is sober asked me what my deal is and so I answered. I said, “I’m a double winner and I’m in program.” In case you missed that, I admitted to another human being besides my sponsor that I have more than one disease.


October 11:

 This day began near 1am when I just opened my mouth and spewed truths about my life which, a.) should not be uttered at 1am; and, b.) are no good as parting shots on your way out the door. FTW. Whatever. I went home and I went to bed. I woke in time to hit the Sunday morning beach meeting. Not only is this my home group but it is the first meeting I ever walked into. There is no other place I could have gone to get perspective on what had happened the night before. Topic? Trust. Trust yourself. Trust others.

Went back to my friends to hang and watch football after the meeting. My friend met me at the door. Literally. Waiting just outside. We sat and (mutually) spewed our stories. Still have not gotten my head around the relief that came with talking to someone who I actually know, someone who actually knows me and gets it. ALL of it.


October 12:


My sponsor, totally unfazed by everything I tell her.


October 14:


Spent most of the morning and much of the early afternoon doing everything I could think of other than my 4th step. I have to do this step. I do. I just can’t get my brain to go there.  Managed to avoid it in the evening too! Went over to my friends’ home to log some baby time! Spent my afternoon and evening playing with their little girl. Got to take part in bath time and bed time.  I provided the story time lap for the evening!!! Is there anything more calming then a baby snuggling with you?


Baby time was so great I actually went to my favorite meeting late. I considered not going because I detest walking in…forget being late.  I have no idea why but the walking in part of meetings still kills me. EVERY TIME. Alas, favorite meeting and because my schedule sucks I never know if I can attend. I went late. It’s an AA meeting. A sat next to a friend and at the end he said, “when are you going to share?” I said, “RIGHT after I start identifying.” He smirked. In all the months that I have gone to open AA meetings NO ONE has ever asked me when I was going to share. Of course, in all those months I had never admitted to anyone other than my sponsor that there was anything to share. Strange days, indeed.

15 minutes after the meeting ended my phone rang. I was driving and answered anyway. Not my habit. My Mom was calling to tell me that my Uncle had died. This would be my second Uncle in less than a year. Both of my Dad’s older brothers. One was functional.  One was not. It was in part my oldest Uncle’s death that served as a catalyst for my coming into program at all. It occurred to me, last December, that this is how it is going to end…for my father.  It seemed imperative that I come to terms with that reality and figure out how to live through it. So I went to Al-Anon.


This October it occurs to me that this is how it could end. I have to work a second program.



This Blog was Soundtracked to:

Visqueen, “So Long”



3 Responses

  1. So, how have the 15th through the 22nd gone?

    Hang in there, lady…here’s to a close to October for you that is decidedly less up & down than the first part.

  2. […] to NeanC’s most recent blog for getting me spinning on this. […]

  3. […] I am not in charge. More than one undoubtedly! I mentioned in an earlier post, a need to work a second program and getting a handle on that has necessitated my being […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: