Still Waters

004

 

 

There is a lump in my throat and it is tied directly to the one in my left breast. It’s August 31, somehow I keep winding up writing on the last damn day of the month. There were a few things I thought I would get to this month (it’s been eventful) but before any of that I am going to talk about my lumps. Or, I’m going to talk about recovery and how that leads to and from lumps.

 

Hurt people hurt people.

 

The slogan above is about all I’ve got for now in terms of growth. Beyond a statement of the obvious it is about forgiveness. Well, it winds up there anyway. Ok, ok, ok. The obvious. It’s about acceptance. What if it was NEVER personal? NEVER intended? What if the people who have hurt you simply don’t know another way to function? If they can’t see it, feel, reason or otherwise grasp that there are other options in life? What if a person has been so damaged for so long they can no longer recognize any part of themselves that isn’t hurt? Hurt people function in exactly the same fashion as any other hurt animal does. We withdraw, lash out, whimper, panic, mewl, scar, scream, cry, lick our wounds, lay down and die. The reality (forget the “danger”) of proximity to a hurt animal (and WE are ANIMALS.) is injury. Hurt people hurt people.

 

I don’t want to hurt anymore. Not you. And not myself. Therein lay the forgiveness inherent in the slogan. It’s not personal. It is practiced. It is habitual. It is instinctual. Of course, so is our ability to reason. Thank GOD. It can STOP.

 

“we all have souls,  

that nobody knows

just how much it takes to fly”

–Soulsavers, Some Misunderstanding

 

For the most part it has been easy enough to figure out which of my behaviors actually hurt people. * It’s been less easy to sort out how many of my behaviors hurt me. To that end, it has seemed for a while now that among the most obvious options for hurting myself LESS was to take better care of myself physically. I started running. I quit smoking. Since I actually have medical insurance at the moment (this has not been the case for many years) a few weeks ago it seemed like a good idea to set up an appointment for a physical, to get a regular doctor and to address some long standing issues I have simply learned to live with.

Today was my physical. I got a Doctor and we will be seeing each other again. Next week. I also “got” a lump. I would like to say, very calmly, “when I decided to do the right thing this isn’t what I bargained for.” Of course, if you could see me right now, you would see that I am far closer to ripping someone’s fucking throat out than I am to waxing prose. How’s that for presence of mind? I get that I am better off knowing what it is and getting it addressed. That is all rational. None of that, however, takes away from the fucking hurt.

 

  

037

help me, help me, help me.

 

 

*Knowing what they are and not doing them? Two totally different concepts.

 

Advertisements

4 Responses

  1. Wow. Looks like I picked the wrong time of night (or morning as the case may be) to see what’s happening on your blog. I will have to get back to ya on this tomorrow. Lol. Fascinating and worrysome at the same time. I hope all goes well for you. You should be fine. Try not to worry and stress too much.

  2. I love reading what you write. This post struck a chord with me, and I agree with it completely. Hurt people do hurt others. I learned that in my marriage and dealing with the way my ex was raised, and how she treated others as a result of that upbringing. Now that I have some sort of perspective on it, I don’t take what happened personally (although I did at the time), and can see things from a more rational point of view. I guess that means I am growing, huh? Lol. I can forgive pretty much anything in this life, and have asked for forgiveness for my own short comings (and the hurt I have caused others), but for me there are one or two things that I cannot forgive; you don’t mess with someone I love, and you don’t negatively affact my relationship with my daughter, or hurt her. I have an will continue to cut people out of my life permanently who cross that line with me. What I do find odd is that I have this nasty habit of allowing others to continue to hurt me, and not say anything about it. Oh well, something else to work on.

  3. Ah, damn. I hate that for you–not the growth of realization, but that other growth. The evil fucking one, because, damn it, they are evil, no matter what the outcome.

    But, BTDT–I found one on the (oh hell) left on my 24th birthday. It was scary and irritating, because the primary suggestion was “wait and see.” We waited 6 months then cut it out because the lump hadn’t decided to recede as, I’m told, it was supposed to do. Figures it would be stubborn, right? Turned out to be nothing, but that didn’t mean that the wait was any calmer.

    So, hang in there, best as you can. Do what you need to do to keep your head on straight. If you need to scream/vent/whatever, you know where to find me.

  4. Thanks to both of you. It’s been a month. It really really has.

Leave a Reply to Brandon Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: