Archive for April, 2009

12 Minutes
April 24, 2009

dscn0931tI am not in the hospital. A friend of mine is. He has been battling a recurrent illness since 2005. I met with my Sponsor earlier this week and was lamenting the length of time it has taken for me to decide to do something about my life, she said, ‘You have to hit bottom before you think to look up.’

Back to the phone conversation I just had with my friend…he is staggeringly positive about an illness that could kill him. It has tried, repeatedly. I said to him, ‘there is a lot to be said for how positive you are being about all this.’ He said, ‘Well, there is nothing else left.’

What I heard was…’You have to hit bottom before you think to look up.’

I only had to hear that TWICE this week for it to resonate.


Tonight the Bottle Let Me Down…
April 21, 2009

Or not.

I met with my sponsor for the first time tonight. Weird thing about surrender, it’s the only option. I hate alcoholism. I hate the disease. I hate that it has sucked the life out of so many people around me. I hate what it has done to me. Accepting that I didn’t “let it” do this to me that I was “powerless” over it’s effects seems counter intuitive to every instinct and impulse that I have ever known.

If I were smarter, stronger, better–I wouldn’t be here.  

Here? Meeting with a sponsor heading for a meeting. How ironic is that? I have never had a role model, either biological or of my own choosing that wasn’t an addict, an alcoholic or an untreated al-anon. I have never known another way.  There are two people in my life that are in recovery, one is an alcoholic and one an al-anon. They are not related to each other or to me. Neither has any idea what they mean to me. One of each, that’s all I got. So, I am going to go out on a limb and ‘guess’ that’s all I need.

Weird, right? Looking to an Alcoholic and an Al-Anon for the way out. It is exactly like looking into the bottom of a bottle for a friend and that is FUCKING hilarious.

The Only Daddy…
April 20, 2009



Just got back from Nashville! Had a lot of adventures, not the least of which was going to Studio B. Studio B was RCA’s primary recording studio in Nashville through out the late ’50s and ’60s. Elvis, Dolly, Porter, Charlie Pride, Roy Orbison–blah, blah, blah. While I find all of the aforementioned, hugely talented even iconic, what really matters is WAYLON JENNINGS!!!!

The guide at Studio B knew pretty much nothing about Waylon’s recordings but it’s cool, I got this covered. Studio B opened in November 1957, Chet Atkins (known to me solely as a guitar player until this trip) was the Producer  at the helm of the studio. Atkins signed Waylon to RCA and his first session was recorded on March 16, 1965. Waylon recorded “Only Daddy That’ll Walk The Line” at Studio B. No lie–one of my favorite songs. Of course, he didn’t record one I don’t love.


Why Waylon? Have you heard the man sing? Not to mention country rock is the best kind of country. Oh, and, the man much like subsequent heroes in my life ‘practiced what he preached’ good, bad or otherwise.  As Outlaws go Waylon set the bar.

Take Care My Blond Friend(s)
April 15, 2009

(Marina), Maggie, Monica, Mags, Mikey and Mary–in that order, it has occurred to me that I have for decades now always had a blond friend in my life. Not the dumb ass kind, either! Nope, each of the aforementioned has been an integral part of the period of my life that they shared, as often as not, functioning as the closest friend I had in the ‘moment.’ I’m not at all weirded out that each of their names begins with an M. (Honest.) Nor, for that matter, am I kicking myself in the ass for taking THIS LONG to realize that I have had the gift of any number of amazing, brilliant, strong, hilarious, adventurous, joyful-caretakers in my life. Thanks, Ladies.

The Resurrection and The Life
April 14, 2009

Tidal Pools

Spent Easter morning in a meeting, sharing on “experience, strength & hope.” I actually contributed! Might not have been my first contribution but it certainly felt great, Immediately! That was a first, for me anyway. After, I met up with friends and we went to some nearby tidal pools. I can not recall if I have ever spent Easter on the beach before but I do know for certain that I will again. The views were stunning and while some of the beach was crowded the pools themselves were not to bad.

Tidal pools have seasons…I think. Maybe it’s only me with the seasons. The Laguna Beach tide pools on this Easter Sunday housed urchins, striped shore crabs, hermit crabs and one (yes, just one) tiny fish. Bird Rock housed…birds.

Not incidentally this past Easter Sunday is the day I celebrated my 34thBirthday with friends. Today, marks my actual birthday. To celebrate, at the end of the week anyway I’m headed to Nashville–going to see the Hall of Fame, The Ryman and the Opry. Not to mention Loaded at a Hootenanny! I think I’ll probably take in my first Plantation as well. All in all, it’s a hell of a jump start on my new biological year.

The Happy & The Crappy: II
April 3, 2009

Casting on. Check. Knit Stitching. Check. Purl Stitching…in like, the next hour. Come Monday (one of my favorite songs, btw) I’ll need a new hobby.

The Happy & The Crappy: I
April 1, 2009

I can Cast On!!!! I can NOT knit stitch or Purl. Awesome.